Mom,
I am so mad at you for dying so early in life.
I still had so much to learn, so much to do with you guys.
I really wished you had taken care of yourselves so you could have lived long, great lives.
When Sadi, my first grandchild was born, I cried for months (I still do, but not as long), long periods, by myself in my truck driving down the road, mind wandering about what could have been. Why did you have to die so early. I wish you could have seen how J and KT grew up, how we all wandered all over with the Navy, staying in different parts of the world, 3 yrs at a time. I can't seem to stop wandering.
Mom, when you died, you took a big chunk of my heart with you, I could no longer bare the disfunctionality of our family. I swore I would never live close to our primary family again. The fighting, the arguing, the cussing, the physical fights, the mental fights, the emotional fights all tore down my spirital self.
There have been so many times that I wish I could talk to you for a few hrs to answer the important questions that only you could have answered.
You were my best friend and I got lost when you died. 23 yrs later and I am still running. I can't seem to find my way, a solid path that I could walk, that could mend my broken heart.
But I had to go on, I had 2 kids to raise - without you. I messed up a lot. The kids are mad at me for raising them the way I did. Yet, they loved the fact we have traveled all over the USA and Canada. Been to every major museum, Presidential Libraries, most Civil War and Revolutionary War battlefields. I tried to subject them to our culture, to learn first hand our history.
I was a major volunteer for the Red Cross, took the kids to all the fires that I had to go to in the middle of the night, trying to help victims of disasters. I worked every major disaster here in the US and the kids helped out along the way. KT even manages a homeless shelter for the county we live in. It's akin to working a Red Cross shelter during a disaster. She's really good at it, she learned something very important. Give back to the community you live in, help where ever you can. Something you taught me from the time I came out of the womb...thanks Mom.
I am so mad at you for not being there when I got my first Navy Achievement Medal. When it was being pinned on me, my eyes welled up and my throat tightened so badly, I couldn't even talk. I know you were there, I could feel you. But not from this world.
You didn't get to see the kids in martial arts, winning trophies. KT in tap and ballet. Both graduation from kindergarten, from elementary to middle school, from middle school to high school. And finally, at their high school graduations. You didn't get to see Jason go in the Marine Corps, or see me and Jason standing next to each other in our military uniforms. I was so proud, but I didn't have amother or father to share that pride with.
Jason getting married and having two babies. KT graduating from college. Jason, a federal law enforcement officer. So many things you missed out on. I miss you so much.
I just pray that I don't leave this earth before my grandkids are grown and have children of their own. I fear death. Not for me, but for the survivors. I don't want them to go thru the pain of watching loved ones wither away to nothingesss. I don't want to tear a part of their hearts out, wounded the rest of their days.
Mom, I love you very much. I wish we had talked more, argued less. The world is a totally different place now. I remember how I hardly ever had enough money to make long distance calls. So that burden was on you and dad to call me. Now there's the internet, email, chat, IM and best of all, cell phones. We can't live without our cell phones. I constantly think about how we were really robbed growing up. I wish we had the technology back when I was growing up. I sure could have used a 'chat' with you.
God I miss you and Dad. You died way too early.
The holidays are upon us now. A bittersweet time for me. I try to think positive, but it's hard when you and dad aren't here. I wish you could see the faces of the grandbabies on Christmas morning.
I miss you. I wish you were here. I could really use a big hug right now.
I love you..
